Upon going into Mass one Sunday, I saw that the place was crowded and there were few seats available. Did I think; "Oh, the church is as packed as ever, great" or "How nice to see so many people worshipping God" ?
No, I thought; "Why are these people here?" and "What do they want?" Then it hit me; exams. The Leaving Cert and Junior Cert had just started the week before. These people were all here to ask God to help them with their studies and in the tests.
Not that I haven't asked the Man Upstairs for help in one way or the other in my life, but it occurred to me that Mass is only full at certain times of the year, with a major dip during the summer. I guess people like worshipping God abroad.
I'm not condemning anyone, but it makes me sad to see that less and less parents are teaching their children about God. I look at the heads around me while I pray, and all I see is grey hair and hearing aids. Young blood is needed in churches today. New prayers are being made, but they're fighting a losing badly against people stiff with rhetoric and arthritis.
Priests are on the verge of becoming an endangered species, and they can't be advocated quickly enough. The ones remaining are being herded into priest sanctuaries by concerned parties, where they are kept safe. More people are becoming deaf and not hearing the "Call of God."
Anyway, I've learned quite a few things in my time as a Christian about going to Mass. Here are some of the things I've learned so far;
Do;
-Dress up in your best clothes – This makes you look presentable for God, plus you never know when you might meet an attractive man/woman. Always check yourself in the holy water font before going into Mass.
-Bring all your spare change to give to the collections – Mass is a great place to get rid of that annoying change. If you're quick, you can swap your few euros for a fiver note when the collection plate comes around. I've noticed less people jingle coming out of the church.
-Go to Mass before a major event in your life – If you ask God for a favour, or some guidance, even though you've hardly gone to Mass since the start of secondary and have questioned His existence at more than one time in your life, He's likely to help you out. Even if you promise to go to Mass more and don't, it's fine because He's already done the favour for you. Sucker.
-Light a candle – With the new electric, energy-saving bulbs the Church has substituted for flames, you're in no danger of getting burned, so your gelled hair or new woollen dress are safe from spontaneous combustion. Many churches have lost generous contributions due to doing business near the candles.
-Genuflect before leaving your seat – This stretches your legs after the Mass and gets them ready as you and your family dash to the car to catch the weekend match.
Don't;
-Sit too close to the alter – Asthmatics beware. You never know then the priests decide to bring out the hard-core incense; that smoky, choking fog that knocks out the first six rows of pews and causes long-term lung damage to the majority of churchgoers.
-Talk too much to your family/friends in Mass – Some priests have a tendency to stop what they are doing when they see someone talking in the middle of Mass. This makes the Mass longer, and prolongs the suffering, so please, don't.
-Sit next to a family with a baby – Sure, that little bundle of joy might look sweet now, but if you so much as breathe too loud, that baby will explode with surprising force.
Use these guidelines well, and you can't go wrong next time you're in Mass. God bless.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Investigating CSI
Who doesn't love a good murder every week? No, I'm not talking about the news; that's boring and lacks good graphics. I mean CSI (Crime Scene Investigators). Whether you're watching the original Las Vegas, or the two spin-offs Miami and New York, you can be guaranteed two good solid murder cases every episode (three if you're lucky!)
Who can fault the actors who so skillfully play corpses and earn more than we make in one shooting (pun intended) than we make in a year? Who can tear themselves away from their beloved to see exactly how a bullet enters a woman's brain and comes out her eye socket? Who can resist looking at the gorgeous CSI team in their beautiful, normal clothes where in Ireland they'd wear something close to radiation suits? Not me, that's for sure. For those of you who don't know about the CSI series, I'll give you a quick review of each.
The original CSI is set in Las Vegas, where they get as many homicides as there are casinos. The start-up song is "Who are you?" and is perfect for a show like this. The head guy is Gil Grissom, a man who loves bugs and has a fantastic analytical mind as well as attention to detail. Just call him Grissom, everyone does. He's had some good lines in the past, as you might have seen him talking to Colin Murphy on RTE; "It's always good to know what you don't know." He's good take my word for it. Great, diverse murders every episode, with the same being said for either three, and the graphics are fantastic. Every CSI shows different sides to the crime investigation, with this CSI showing ghosts of the victims re-enacting their deaths or the teams' theories. The only fault I can find in this CSI is that its sometimes too dark when they're filming nighttime or inside. The black member of the team practically disappears into the background!
Next is CSI Miami, a very bright and colorful program; pity about all the blood. The start-up song is "Don't get fooled again" by The Who, with a great scream at the start. Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Anyway, the leader is the inscrutable redheaded Horatio Cane. He's always there at the start as the victims are being inspected, with his black clothes (despite the climate) and sunglasses that he whips off in order to deliver his kick-ass line before going to the song. Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! CSI Miami's investigation graphics are mainly digital, with a wall-length computer projection like something out of Minority Report, and an expert locator system that can probably find you even if you're not on the continent. Every now and again you can get a great boat chase around the coast, out to sea or through the swamp. They go the whole hog on this; helicopters, coastguard ships and speedboats. The part I don't like about this CSI is the slight lack of stringing a mini story along through the series. It pops up every so often, and might be relevant to the story, but it's pretty weak. I also don't like the flashy clothes they all wear at crime scenes. Completely unrealistic. I find this CSI to be my least favorite, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't see it for yourself.
Finally, there's CSI NY (New York). This is my favorite CSI. Top guy in this series is Mack Taylor, a very serious cop that takes his work to heart. Like Grissom, he's got an analytical mind, and a head for problems. The fascinating, if a bit crazy, trends of this city astound me in every episode, from eye tattoos and trolley fun-runs to cyber-assassins and drugs called "Foxy". The investigation graphics are ghostly here too, but they also have a cool floating brain in a jar to examine head traumas. Lots of stories going on behind the scenes, and I've never lost track or interest. I can't find fault with this CSI, but maybe you will find your own.Overall, CSI is a great program that you can really get your teeth into. It's like a better version of Cluedo; you can guess who gets killed at the start, who the murderer is and why, plus no one has to pack the board up later! I find that it's great craic, and there's even fantastic plot twists near the end.
I've given all of you my views, so the only thing to do now is to say hope you don't end up as a real crime scene. Good luck!
Who can fault the actors who so skillfully play corpses and earn more than we make in one shooting (pun intended) than we make in a year? Who can tear themselves away from their beloved to see exactly how a bullet enters a woman's brain and comes out her eye socket? Who can resist looking at the gorgeous CSI team in their beautiful, normal clothes where in Ireland they'd wear something close to radiation suits? Not me, that's for sure. For those of you who don't know about the CSI series, I'll give you a quick review of each.
The original CSI is set in Las Vegas, where they get as many homicides as there are casinos. The start-up song is "Who are you?" and is perfect for a show like this. The head guy is Gil Grissom, a man who loves bugs and has a fantastic analytical mind as well as attention to detail. Just call him Grissom, everyone does. He's had some good lines in the past, as you might have seen him talking to Colin Murphy on RTE; "It's always good to know what you don't know." He's good take my word for it. Great, diverse murders every episode, with the same being said for either three, and the graphics are fantastic. Every CSI shows different sides to the crime investigation, with this CSI showing ghosts of the victims re-enacting their deaths or the teams' theories. The only fault I can find in this CSI is that its sometimes too dark when they're filming nighttime or inside. The black member of the team practically disappears into the background!
Next is CSI Miami, a very bright and colorful program; pity about all the blood. The start-up song is "Don't get fooled again" by The Who, with a great scream at the start. Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Anyway, the leader is the inscrutable redheaded Horatio Cane. He's always there at the start as the victims are being inspected, with his black clothes (despite the climate) and sunglasses that he whips off in order to deliver his kick-ass line before going to the song. Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! CSI Miami's investigation graphics are mainly digital, with a wall-length computer projection like something out of Minority Report, and an expert locator system that can probably find you even if you're not on the continent. Every now and again you can get a great boat chase around the coast, out to sea or through the swamp. They go the whole hog on this; helicopters, coastguard ships and speedboats. The part I don't like about this CSI is the slight lack of stringing a mini story along through the series. It pops up every so often, and might be relevant to the story, but it's pretty weak. I also don't like the flashy clothes they all wear at crime scenes. Completely unrealistic. I find this CSI to be my least favorite, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't see it for yourself.
Finally, there's CSI NY (New York). This is my favorite CSI. Top guy in this series is Mack Taylor, a very serious cop that takes his work to heart. Like Grissom, he's got an analytical mind, and a head for problems. The fascinating, if a bit crazy, trends of this city astound me in every episode, from eye tattoos and trolley fun-runs to cyber-assassins and drugs called "Foxy". The investigation graphics are ghostly here too, but they also have a cool floating brain in a jar to examine head traumas. Lots of stories going on behind the scenes, and I've never lost track or interest. I can't find fault with this CSI, but maybe you will find your own.Overall, CSI is a great program that you can really get your teeth into. It's like a better version of Cluedo; you can guess who gets killed at the start, who the murderer is and why, plus no one has to pack the board up later! I find that it's great craic, and there's even fantastic plot twists near the end.
I've given all of you my views, so the only thing to do now is to say hope you don't end up as a real crime scene. Good luck!
A Plea for Male Empowerment
Turn on your radio, or listen to some of the latest songs on your portable music player. I bet there are songs about women promoting female empowerment, forgiving a guy who cheated on them, or saying they don't need him anymore. Am I right?
The way I see it; female empowerment has become a massive part of our lives, both for males and females. Walk into a book shop, and they have all these "Goddess within" stuff, and "How to get out of a date with Mr. Wrong." Music shops, you know; "I don't need a man," or "Independent woman." All over the world, women are being called upon to step up and be counted. And, through all of this, not much is being said for male empowerment.
Now, don't get me wrong, ladies. I've read Bridget Jones and I have a vast collection of inspirational female singers on my Zen, (oh, Ms. Deon, be mine,) and you're all entitled to it. It's just…can the lads have a bit of it? I'm not some sort of male supremacist who would like you all in half a dozen layers of grey clothes that conceal everything below the neckline. That is not what I'm saying.
To my knowledge, there are little or no empowering songs for men, except for "We are the champions" from inside pubs during a match. All the songs I hear are about how great their woman is, or that they're sorry they cheated on them and getting caught.I see no "Men face the North, Women face the South," help books, or "Ten things to do for the thirty-year-old single male" in Easons. I walk into HMV, and I despair at the lack of "I don't need a woman" or "I forgive you, baby girl." All these diet and self-help books are for women, as if men wouldn't like to be as toned/flexible/potent as their female companions?Men and women are two sides of the same coin. We're all made up of the same stuff-blood, muscle, tissue and hormones. We have similar likes, dislikes and fears. I'd just like to see some recognition of men's feelings and their needs for love and comfort. It's not all sport and alcohol. Men need to be loved as much as women do. The only major differences between us are physical attributes that come together to create life. Can't we look past that and just see the person inside?
The way I see it; female empowerment has become a massive part of our lives, both for males and females. Walk into a book shop, and they have all these "Goddess within" stuff, and "How to get out of a date with Mr. Wrong." Music shops, you know; "I don't need a man," or "Independent woman." All over the world, women are being called upon to step up and be counted. And, through all of this, not much is being said for male empowerment.
Now, don't get me wrong, ladies. I've read Bridget Jones and I have a vast collection of inspirational female singers on my Zen, (oh, Ms. Deon, be mine,) and you're all entitled to it. It's just…can the lads have a bit of it? I'm not some sort of male supremacist who would like you all in half a dozen layers of grey clothes that conceal everything below the neckline. That is not what I'm saying.
To my knowledge, there are little or no empowering songs for men, except for "We are the champions" from inside pubs during a match. All the songs I hear are about how great their woman is, or that they're sorry they cheated on them and getting caught.I see no "Men face the North, Women face the South," help books, or "Ten things to do for the thirty-year-old single male" in Easons. I walk into HMV, and I despair at the lack of "I don't need a woman" or "I forgive you, baby girl." All these diet and self-help books are for women, as if men wouldn't like to be as toned/flexible/potent as their female companions?Men and women are two sides of the same coin. We're all made up of the same stuff-blood, muscle, tissue and hormones. We have similar likes, dislikes and fears. I'd just like to see some recognition of men's feelings and their needs for love and comfort. It's not all sport and alcohol. Men need to be loved as much as women do. The only major differences between us are physical attributes that come together to create life. Can't we look past that and just see the person inside?
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