Rules For Planning A Holiday

Well, the rain's getting worse, the boss is off more days than the temp, and winter wear is on the racks in Penney's. Yay! Summer is here! But, how can you avoid the stress and general kerfuffle of planning a holiday? Follow these simple rules;
1) When looking for a destination;
DO ask for your friends and family about where they went.
DON'T spin your toy globe and point randomly "Hmmm, Death Valley? Sounds great!"
2) When booking a ticket to your destination;
DO go to your travel agent for the best prices.
DON'T click on the first pop-up that appears on the Internet asking for your date of birth and credit card number.
3) When packing for you holidays, some things are just essential;
-suncream; you need protection, especially for that all-over tan!
-lots of underwear; I still don't know how I lost 13 of mine that weekend in Belarus.
-a diary; you have to remember that girls name somehow!
-protection; you know what I mean. Even if they say they haven't, it could be the paper bag you put over their head muffling their words.
4) When packing for the airport and airplane, always have;
-a packed lunch; you will lose an arm and a leg if you buy airport food. At least when you're eating a soggy salad sandwich your mother made next to a woman eating a breakfast roll dripping with delicious fat, you can say "My stomach's fuller than your purse."
-books; are you checking out that girl across the way from you or totally engrossed in the opening sentence? Who can tell?
-tickets and passport; really?
-earplugs; for when that little bundle of joy in the seat behind you explodes on take-off.
-cotton wool; a good substitute for earplugs but also to stuff in your mouth when the air hostesses do their poor rendition of YMCA.
-sleeping pills; for you, if your nervous of flying, or for that doting grandmother who insists on telling you about every single one of her grandchildren in detail.
-sunglasses; a cool accessory, protection from the sun, plus for when you exit the plane onto a world where the sun actually shines.
5) If you are bringing your girlfriend/sister/girl who is you "friend" along with you, remember;
-if you call too early to pick her up on the way to the airport, an entirely different creature will open the door and devour your head.
-don't worry if she has three large suitcases, it's okay because it is all essential, practical and/or necessary.
-list her make-up bag slowly, and use your legs.
6) If you are bringing your boyfriend/brother/boy who is your "friend" along with you, remember;
-they will have brought the contraceptives, no need to worry.
-if all they have is a medium-sized gear bag, that's okay, because it is all essential , practical and/or necessary.
-before getting into his car, make sure you last will and testament is sorted, and give your seat a few good squirts of Dettol, Febreze and/or Cillit Bang. This is also handy for anyone who tries to dig her claws into him on holidays "Bang! And the Flirt is gone!"
7) If you are bringing your family on holidays, never forget;
-a fan; to cover your face in the very possible chance they embarrass you.
-a camera; to capture the very possible chance they embarrass themselves.
-bail money; it's a sad day when you pay to have your father released for suspected solicitation.
-extra underwear in their sizes; it's an even sadder day when you find your parents naked on the beach, drunk as lords, shivering but deliriously happy.
-in the case of younger siblings going missing, remember you had them micro-chipped at birth by accident.
-in the case of older siblings gone AWOL, keep in mind they will be under any member of the opposite sex.
-for missing grandparents, don't worry, they can't have gotten far, unless they're motorised.
8) In the event you are going on an adventure holiday, please remember;
-hiking sticks; helps you up and down the hills, plus to fend off any undesirables who come too near.
-steel-studded boots; much the same as above.
-rain wear; I know, I know, but just in case the weather isn't as nice as it looks on the brochure.
-binoculars; you were checking out the mountain peak and not your hiking guide's ass, weren't you?
9) If you're insane enough to go on a snow holiday, remember;
-sunglasses; you might think snow doesn't shine like a second sun, but you'd be wrong.
-tight-fitting sports wear; saved my genitals.
10) Travelling to America is your dream? Well, just keep in mind;
-go limp if the metal detectors beep over in the U.S. It'll be easier when four burly men throw themselves on top of you.
-never go to the cinema. They're set several light years in the future and you'll be wondering how they all got so old so fast.
-U.S currency is pitiful compared to the euro, so spend, spend, spend!
-always bring an extra suitcase for the good chunk of Abercrombie and Fitch you'll buy.
-never, ever say "bomb" on the plane.
Well, I think that's everything covered. Happy holidays and God bless.