The Do's and Dont's of Going to Mass

Upon going into Mass one Sunday, I saw that the place was crowded and there were few seats available. Did I think; "Oh, the church is as packed as ever, great" or "How nice to see so many people worshipping God" ?
No, I thought; "Why are these people here?" and "What do they want?" Then it hit me; exams. The Leaving Cert and Junior Cert had just started the week before. These people were all here to ask God to help them with their studies and in the tests.
Not that I haven't asked the Man Upstairs for help in one way or the other in my life, but it occurred to me that Mass is only full at certain times of the year, with a major dip during the summer. I guess people like worshipping God abroad.
I'm not condemning anyone, but it makes me sad to see that less and less parents are teaching their children about God. I look at the heads around me while I pray, and all I see is grey hair and hearing aids. Young blood is needed in churches today. New prayers are being made, but they're fighting a losing badly against people stiff with rhetoric and arthritis.
Priests are on the verge of becoming an endangered species, and they can't be advocated quickly enough. The ones remaining are being herded into priest sanctuaries by concerned parties, where they are kept safe. More people are becoming deaf and not hearing the "Call of God."
Anyway, I've learned quite a few things in my time as a Christian about going to Mass. Here are some of the things I've learned so far;
Do;
-Dress up in your best clothes – This makes you look presentable for God, plus you never know when you might meet an attractive man/woman. Always check yourself in the holy water font before going into Mass.
-Bring all your spare change to give to the collections – Mass is a great place to get rid of that annoying change. If you're quick, you can swap your few euros for a fiver note when the collection plate comes around. I've noticed less people jingle coming out of the church.
-Go to Mass before a major event in your life – If you ask God for a favour, or some guidance, even though you've hardly gone to Mass since the start of secondary and have questioned His existence at more than one time in your life, He's likely to help you out. Even if you promise to go to Mass more and don't, it's fine because He's already done the favour for you. Sucker.
-Light a candle – With the new electric, energy-saving bulbs the Church has substituted for flames, you're in no danger of getting burned, so your gelled hair or new woollen dress are safe from spontaneous combustion. Many churches have lost generous contributions due to doing business near the candles.
-Genuflect before leaving your seat – This stretches your legs after the Mass and gets them ready as you and your family dash to the car to catch the weekend match.
Don't;
-Sit too close to the alter – Asthmatics beware. You never know then the priests decide to bring out the hard-core incense; that smoky, choking fog that knocks out the first six rows of pews and causes long-term lung damage to the majority of churchgoers.
-Talk too much to your family/friends in Mass – Some priests have a tendency to stop what they are doing when they see someone talking in the middle of Mass. This makes the Mass longer, and prolongs the suffering, so please, don't.
-Sit next to a family with a baby – Sure, that little bundle of joy might look sweet now, but if you so much as breathe too loud, that baby will explode with surprising force.
Use these guidelines well, and you can't go wrong next time you're in Mass. God bless.